“You’re having a serious conversation with me about chakras and psychics… You realize you’re not about to have a relationship with Jesus Boy right?”
I laughed hysterically and said, “dude you’re totally right.”
But I had no idea then just how totally right she would be.
And so, I commenced to prepare for my Skype date with Jesus Boy…who had also affectionately been coined Christian Boy by myself and friends.
These nicknames seemed appropriate because of the following gems floating around on his profile page:
- “First and Foremost I am a man of God. Nowadays that scares most women because there is a bad connotation that I must have a troubled past or I am boring.”
- “I am currently one year celibate.”
- Last Read: “Whew! Need to read more books because I enjoy it but currently only reading the Bible.”
To the average Jane Doe, these lines might have been an immediate turn on. Something to make one say, “oh! He’s a good catch!” or “oh! What a nice, God-fearing man who isn’t just trying to get my goodies.”
A bitch like me? Nah, not so much.
…I was seeing right through all that Maybelline…
Like yea, you say you aren’t lame….but um, you probably are.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not walking around wearing WWSD (What Would Satan Do) bracelets or anything (although one of my daughter’s friend’s parents did slightly imply that we were devil worshippers when we invited her child to trick or treat in the neighborhood with us last year… So open-minded right?)
…but I definitely identify more with the modern-day yuppie outlook of being more “spiritual than religious,” and accepting everyone’s religious faiths as equal, valuable, and valid. Furthermore, I definitely am not interested in anyone shoving his or her religious viewpoints down my throat.
You can miss me with all of that.
After reading Christian Boy’s profile, my intuition had me both confident and concerned that this fellow might be the type to brow beat me with bible verses on a daily basis and that’s just not my style.
However, his redeeming Internet qualities of using capital letters, punctuation, and emoticons to express excitement, as well as the fact that he had a cute face, coerced me into making the committed leap from virtual conversation into reality conversation over Skype.
And so here we sit….Skype date preparation for Moses.
Some important questions I asked myself while getting ready:
- Why do I feel the need to take a shower before a Skype date?
- Vaseline or lip-gloss? Which will resonate best on webcam?
- Tank top or t-shirt? (My shoulders are kinda sexy though….)
- Log into Skype at the specified date time or a few minutes early?
- Why am I so perfect?
With these preliminaries taken care of, I sit down in front of my laptop, make a few sexy faces into my webcam to confirm that I look adorable, and I log into Skype.
He calls me….and the conversation begins, proceeds, and ends over the course of 1 hour and 43 minutes.
We begin with the typical formalities and I immediately notice his southern accent…not the sexy, gangsta T.I. southern accent that makes me want to drop down and get my eagle on; but more so that southern accent that makes me think, do you have chewing tobacco in your mouth?
I presume that had the accent been in the body of an elderly black woman, I would have found it endearing somehow…but with him, it mostly just got on my nerves.
As predicted…30 minutes into the conversation, while eating his baked potato and lemon pepper chicken that he had just warmed up in the microwave (What in THE Fuck?!), he asks…
JB (Jesus Boy): So do you read?
Me: Yep, I read…. I’m not one of those people who has read every best-seller, but I definitely read.
His hand thoughtfully finds his chin and he says,
JB: Mmm hmmm, so what are you reading currently?
Me: I’m working through a few books on my kindle right now…but I’m almost finished with a book by Deepak Chopra, “Buddha: A Story of Enlightenment.” Pretty interesting. (For the record, I’ve also read “Jesus: a Story of Enlightenment“)
Well, I must have said something wrong, because Jesus Boy looks around discontentedly and replies…
JB: Well, have you ever read the Bible?
I freaking KNEW it! Here we go…
Me: I haven’t made it literally from cover to cover, but I’ve started doing that three or four times and I’ve gotten a little farther each time. I’m familiar with the Bible though.
JB: Well, um, (looks around judgingly), I highly recommend that you read it. Cover to cover. More than once. I recommend that everyone read it at least three times so that you can really understand the word of God and start to feel good in your life.
Wait…how did we get to the presumption that I don’t feel good in my life?
Reminder: this is 30 minutes into “meeting” someone on Skype. Am I the only one who feels like this is really intense!?
I mean shit, I’m not hating on his love affair with King James, but come on…this is not how you begin an open, non-judgmental conversation with someone about their religious/spiritual beliefs…and that’s more my cup of tea (even thought I don’t like tea…but you know what I’m saying.)
I don’t even know your last name, Jesus Boy!!!…and you’re already evangelizing to me over Skype??
Ugh, I was immediately placed on the defense.
JB: Soooo you’re not reading it all right now…like not on a daily basis?
… said with a purposefully defiant tone.
JB: Do you even own a Bible?
Me: Um, yea…I own two actually.
JB: Well, yea, like I said, I recommend that you read it.
I knew I would never talk to him again.
Even more awkward silence
JB: You know, you’re so well-mannered.
Was this his attempt at a change of subject??!!
At this point, the entirety of my attitude was completely fucked up…and I responded:
Me: Is that supposed to be a compliment?
JB: Of course it is…
Me: Well, It sounds like something I would say about someone’s dog or child….Sounds like something people say when you expect the exact opposite…(like when people say “oh!! you’re so articulate to be black.”)
JB: No, I just meant you are really well-mannered. I like that.
I still didn’t understand what the fuck he was talking about, but I just let it go. Perhaps he expected me to run around screaming and hollering over Skype or to start cursing, spitting, and sniffing my armpits. I have absolutely no idea.
Regardless, I was anxious to log off Skype and go rip him to shreds with one of my many faithful, non judgmental friends on gchat.
I ended the conversation with him shortly after this “well-mannered” compliment.
Luckily, the next day, while recounting the Skype date with my coworker, she helped me to see the glass half full.
“Hey, at least he wasn’t a pervert who got naked on camera and started masturbating on the screen!”
Maybe that’s what he meant by well-mannered.